BREAKING SPORTS NEWS! David Beckham signs for 700 teams! »

 
By Special Sports Human, Peter Staahz.
 Celebrity footballer, David Beckham, is said to be relieved tonight after an inventive solution was found to the unseemly tug-of-war between AC Milan and LA Galaxy.
“We’ve cloned the lad,” said Vincenzo Ratellio, the AC Milan team physio and Nobel Prize winning cloning expert.
“Cloning Beckham is the best possible outcome for [...]

Neanderthal DNA found in Rooney urine sample! EXCLUSIVE! »

By Special Sports Human, Peter Staahz.

Manchester United doctors were frantically trying to save the career of striker Wayne Rooney last night after a routine urine test showed Rooney to be “a seamless genetic fusion of Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon Man – dating from between 1986 and 2009 A.D.”

Doctors are hailing the news as a disaster for [...]

Arsenal match abandoned due to ‘physical act of love.’ »

By Special Sports Human, Peter Staahz.

The professional football world was thrown into chaos yesterday when Arsenal’s fourth round FA cup tie against Cardiff was abandoned due to ‘a physical act of love between two or more players – rendering the match unplayable.’

The game itself was largely a dull affair with little of consequence until [...]