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North Korea stuns world by leaving! FULL MIND-BLOWING DETAILS!!!
'North Korea - gone in sixty seconds.'
By World Affairs Man, Chuck Venison.
North Korea stunned the world today by launching itself and all 23 million inhabitants into space. The launch was flawless and the entire nation is now said to be hurtling towards the sun at approximately 25 thousand miles per hour.
Speculation had increased in recent weeks concerning a possible North Korean long range ballistic missile test – with neighbouring countries and the US administration warning of ‘far-reaching negative consequences’ if the launch went ahead.
Tensions rose dramatically late Thursday when Japanese spy satellites spotted intense activity around the borders and coasts of the Stalinist, hermit state. Noted activity included ‘everyone in the country donning kitsch, retro-cool space suits and helmets – as well as herding all cattle and pigs into what looked like gigantic fridge freezers’.
At first it was thought the strange goings on were just the pre-amble to yet another elaborate show of strength, but the confusion deepened late yesterday when eccentric North Korean leader Kim Jong-iL appeared live on state television and delivered the following, brief statement:
"To infinity - and beyond," joked Kim as he condemned his nation to a fiery death.
“Hello everybody! Its me! The Dear Leader! Ready for space? I am! Lets all go to space! Uncle Stalin is waiting for us at the centre of the sun. That’s where all great Stalinists go when they die – the sun! Didn’t you know that? The sun is a lovely and peaceful place – where the rivers run with gold and the children are full of nourishment and happy smiley faces – just like here in this country – only much much more and with a lot less khaki safari suits. Don’t forget to put your head between your knees before we blast off – bye for now!”
The US defence secretary Robert Gates has already ordered an inquiry into how Pentagon intelligence agencies overlooked the fact that North Korea had spent the past 60 years turning itself into a vast space shuttle. Gates was said to be incandescent with rage as he watched North Korea leave Earth orbit and dip its wings in a salutary yet somewhat gloating gesture.
A Robbie Williams comeback: A bigger threat than Iran?
“Heads will roll for this,” said Gates in private to me. “What else have the CIA and NSA missed? China planning to send its entire population to stay with friends in Rhode Island – thereby tilting the nation towards the Arctic? Iran collectively belly flopping into the Indian Ocean so as to send a tidal wave our way? Britain sending Robbie Williams over here to try and break America again? Who the fuck knows?”
Anti-American, frog-eating countries like France and Canada have applauded the ‘guile and bravery’ of the North Korean people and have promised an annual ‘day of mourning’ to commemorate the inevitable melting deaths of North Korea’s entire population when it smashes into the sun sometime on the morning of April 26th 2019.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy is said to have wept like a ‘pathetic dwarf’ when he watched North Korea zoom up the Champs Elysée on its way towards the outer stratosphere.
“My eyes leak like baby,” he told UK based magazine Zoo. “My wife – model turned actress Carla Bruni – she take away my onion necklace but still the tears did fall upon my little cute chin. I salute you North Korea! J’espère l’incendie horrible et pénible de peau vous rappelle juste combien vous détestez ceux l’écume américaine gâtée crasseuse!”
Heart-wrenching words from this most important, yet physically preposterous statesman.
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