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JESUS CHRIST: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, Smacks Box Office Like A Bitch!!!
By Motion Picture Insider, Buzz Rapier.
Box office tills spun off their coiled rafters this past weekend as Michael Bay’s latest motion picture greedily swallowed vast swathes of the American gross domestic product. JESUS CHRIST: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN – has smashed all box office records with a provisional Friday to Sunday accumulated income of approximately $83 billion!
“I’m FUCKING PSYCHED!” announced Bay from the frontlines of Afghanistan where he’s currently battling the Taliban whilst on vacation.
“When I saw those FUCKING AWESOME numbers coming in from the States I FUCKING SHOT MY LOAD and emptied literally THOUSANDS of SHELLS into the FUCKING TOWEL-HEADS! YEHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
In fact, so many people were sitting in American cinemas this weekend that the Earth’s axis was seen to skew sideways by ‘a good inch or two.’
JC: ROTF (as it’s known in internet circles) picks up the Christ story three days after the Saviour is nailed to the cross (for a crime he did not commit). In Bay’s ‘re-imagining’ of the Christian belief system – Christ (played by Christian, Christian Bale) is woken from death by the gypsy spells of Mary Magdalene (played by nympho atheist Megan Fox) and promptly embarks on a high-octane series of epic yet progressively dull, CGI-heavy action scenarios – with a Bazooka wielding Jesus randomly targeting vast swathes of Roman Judea, Egypt and south central L.A.
Bay co-wrote the screenplay with long time collaborators Rob Smith (an 11 year old kid with severe Attention Deficit Syndrome) and the entire editorial staff of FHM magazine.
Michael Bay (centre-left) celebrating Mass with some friends.
“Kids are FUCKING PSYCHED about religion!” screamed Bay as he slit the throat of a Taliban insurgent whilst not actually showing any blood and with a gorgeous lens flare effect highlighting the insane directors flowing chest hair. “And they especially like religions that can FUCK THEIR EYEBALLS WITH HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSIONS AND A MEAN MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST KICKING ASS ALL OVER THE MIDDLE EAST!!!! YEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA”.
The huge profits earned by JC: ROTF have already led to the green-lighting of sixteen Jesus sequels as well as six prequels based on the Old Testament. Bay has been signed on to direct all these films simultaneously whilst also leading the US assault against the insurgents in Pakistan’s Swat valley.
“You ain’t seen ASS KICKING until you’ve been PWN’D BY MOTHERFUCKING MICHAEL BAY,” said President Obama at the Pentagon.
NBC have also announced that they’ve commissioned a 22 episode reality show which will follow Michael Bay as he head-butts random people in the streets whilst shouting ‘Boom-Bang-Bay!’
‘Boom-Bang-Bay’ will air this fall.
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JESUS CHRIST: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, Smacks Box Office Like A Bitch!!!
