Jeff Lynne:“Read my electric light horoscopes only in the Blogicle!!!”
Oscar Wilde:“Lay down thou pretty eyes upon my most salicious and lugubrious ramblings, only in the Blogicle!”
Cowen creates unity government to ‘’spread the blame.”
By Chief Political Correspondent, Dandeloin Trunch
Cowen tells recession to 'fuck off'. Crowds cheer.
In an act of political fleet footedness usual attributed to wild horses, Tee-Shock of Ireland, Brian Cowen, has today offered the pudgy hand of friendship, cooperation and mutual degradation to opposition head-boy and leader of Feena Gayle, Endor Kenny.
“With Ireland bankrupt,” spoke Cowen, “Alexandra at number one in the pop charts and Tottenham languishing in the bottom three – it has become obvious to me that unique and dynamic action is needed to ward off total national diarrhoea with the subsequent onset of zombie flesh eaters.”
Cowen explained his reasoning at a packed press conference in Leinster House. “My advisor’s,” he chuffed, “were starting to notice a trend in the left-leaning fascist media attempting to apportion blame for our economic collapse towards my humble self and Feena Foil in general. This is not an accurate reflection of the current circumstances. It is, indeed, a fair reflection – but not an accurate one; much like my own reflection when shaving.”
After a much needed Sub on Hearty Italian, Cowen continued: “Therefore, and in conjunction with my lawyers, I hereby throw open the doors of government to friend and foe alike. We are all in this mess together – so lets pull the collective finger out, smell it, and then by God wash it till it’s shiny and even better than before.”
Wiping his mouth with sleeve, Cowen then rose onto his hind legs and exclaimed: “I hereby declare the formation of the inaugural NATIONAL EMERGENCY UNITY GOVERNMENT OF IRELAND AND WEST CORK.”
Cowen’s plan is classic ‘e-cowen-omics’ and will consist of an hourly rotating premiership involving all valid political parties, independent TD’s, Irish citizens and ‘Deal or No Deal’ contestants. The Green Party are excluded from the deal due to an act of collective self-immolation during last Fridays cabinet meeting (the fumes emitted from each corpse were later recycled into ball bearings).
With spontaneous applause ringing in his ears, Cowen was then carried from the room by a herd of Feena Foil party stalwarts – many of whom had been bused in from local mental hospitals with instructions to ‘Carry the Cowen – no matter the cost’.
Opposition duke, Endeavour Kenny, currently in Cannes on a shirt-buying junket, could not be immediately reached for comment but instead provided the following telegram through his literary agent. The Blogicle publishes the telegram here in full:
NEWS OF UNITY DEAL POSITIVE. STOP. WILL PURSUE WITH GUSTO. STOP. OH THATS A NICE BLUE SHIRT. STOP. ANOTHER ONE THERE. STOP. I LIKE SHIRTS. STOP. BUMPED INTO PRINCE ALBERT AT THE ANNUAL DOLPHIN HUNT. STOP. THE GUY IS AN EXCELLENT HARPOONSMAN. STOP. LITTLE BIT OF DOLPHIN BLOOD ON MY LEFT COLLAR. STOP. HOW MUCH FOR THAT SHIRT? STOP.
The detailed terms of the unity deal have variably been described by legal scholars as ‘visionary’ ‘misspelt’ and ’slap-dash yet pretty’.
According to the deal, Mary Harney will take up the reigns of power next Wednesday morning at 10.30am – wherein she will sign several catering bills into law, break for tea, ring President Obama for obligatory ‘fawning’, culminating in the 11.30am ascension to power of long time friend and Deal Or No Deal presenter, Noel Edmonds.
“I look forward to the job,” screamed Edmonds. “I am worthy of great power and I intend to lead with modesty, quiet diginity and utter self delusion.”
At that point the phone at Edmonds right hand let out a shrill purr. Edmonds pawed the phone to his ear and listened with pursed grin.
“It’s the banker,” he whispered dramatically.
“He’s offering 10p for Ireland. Deal or no deal?”
One Response to “Cowen creates unity government to ‘’spread the blame.””
Leave a Reply
Photo Gallery
LISBON REFERENDUM LATEST! Declan Ganley’s Face Appears On Tree Stump!
Tommy Tiernan Controversy Continues! What He Said Next…!!!
Kanye West gate-crashes NAMA negotiations! FULL XLUSIVE STORY!!!
CLINTON FREES PHIL SPECTOR BY SMASHING THROUGH PRISON WALL (OF SOUND — LOL!!).’
JESUS CHRIST: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, Smacks Box Office Like A Bitch!!!
It was a bold move by Brian , if ye lot in the Media done the work and ate the sandwiches that man can put away with a few pints , be jasus Offaly should be winning the All Irelands by now and sure it was that dublin whore who was having the fancy dinners with Fingers and Seanie when our Brian had his shirt rolled up and worked away on the ham and egg rolls , I can tell ya .
This Internet sure was the ruining of Irelands young …jesas will ya give him a chance