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Ireland to sacrifice first born males to ’stop recession’.
By Chief Political Correspondent, Dandeloin Trunch.
"Let my sacrifice be not in vain."
Tee-Shock Brian Cowen has today revealed his governments latest plan to forestall the upcoming economic meltdown.
“We’ve been too soft,” spoke Cowen during today’s questions to the Tee-Shock, “we’ve handled this recession with kid gloves – tinkering around the edges by introducing higher taxes, pay cuts and the withdrawal of essential social services. Yet the recession has responded with arrogant indifference – thumbing its nose at our hard working people and robbing the dust from the pockets of the poor.”
“Well I say no more Mr Nice guy. It’s time to get medieval on this recession’s ass! I’m talking Biblical shit. I hereby order the sacrifice of every first born male, back dated to January 1st 2009. ”
To hushed silence, Cowen went on to outline his forthcoming strategy: “I admit that there is no actual, or indeed, any, economic theory involved in this strategy – and I think this is a good thing. Illogical, rose-tinted economic theory landed us in this dire situation in the first place – so let us not shed a single tear for its abandonment. Instead, I now vow to throw reason to the wolves, hang coherence from the rafters – and viciously butcher any remaining vestige of decorum.”
With cheers ringing round the parliamentary chamber, Cowen frogmarched several newborn babies into the nearby press room.
"Let the blood of the innocent wash away this recession," howled Cowen.
“By Christ’s beard, Allah’s robe, and Buddha’s chin – I offer this holy sacrifice to the giant velcro rabbit in the sky,” said Cowen, visibly elated.
Then, speaking in tongues and with the rest of the cabinet engaged in a ritualistic ‘death tango’ – Cowen raised his army issue Steyr AUG A1 assault rifle and emptied clip after clip into the smiling innocents. The Tee-Shock then thanked the dead children’s parents and presented them with an engraved Waterford Crystal memorial plaque.
“Tough times call for tough measures,” said Cowen at the sessions close. “But there is precedence. Several times in our glorious history, we have been challenged by crisis, war and deprivation – and time after time we have responded with absolute bloody minded insanity. My actions today are merely an extension of that proud tradition. I end these proceedings with a quote from another of Ireland’s wonderfully imbalanced leaders, 1916 patriot and failed poet, Padraig Pearse:
“We may make mistakes in the beginning and shoot the wrong people; but bloodshed is a cleansing and a sanctifying thing, and the nation which regards it as the final horror has lost its manhood. There are many things more horrible than bloodshed; and slavery is one of them. “
- Padraig Pearse, 1913.
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